The Interview
by His Lil' Half-Blood Princess
Summary: Dumbledore gets interviewed on "The Today Show: Wizard Edition". And oh God, he's not leaving a very good impression.


**The Interview**

_Dumbledore gets interviewed on the wizard version of "The Today Show." Minerva and Severus watch the show on the magical television the staff room. AND OH GOD... Dumbledore isn't exactly making a very good impression._

_A bunch of crap, co-written by dumbledorelover (Velvet). _

**XxXxX**

Severus Snape entered the staff room, looking frantic. "What is it? What is it? What's the big emergency?"

Minerva McGonagall was on the couch, sobbing and pointing at the magical TV in front of her. "A-a-albus is on TV!"

Severus gaped at her. "ARE YOU FREAKIN' SERIOUS? YOU MADE IT SOUND LIKE IT WAS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!"

"But we'll die if we don't watch this! I was watching the American channel and "The Today Show: Wizard Edition" was on and OH MY GOD, THERE HE IS! SIT NEXT TO ME, SEVVY!"

Severus walked over to the couch with a sigh and sat beside her, looking at the television. A woman with blonde hair, wearing a blue dress suit, was sitting on a couch in the newsroom, smiling at the camera. Beside her, was Albus Dumbledore, wearing magenta robes, also smiling at the camera.

Whoa... eww... smiling at the camera...

Somebody needs his teeth whitened...

"He looks _sooooo _hot with those robes on!" Minerva said, practically drooling, eyes glued to the screen.

"In your opinion," Severus said, looking disgusted. The news music ended, and the reporter began to speak:

"We're here today with Professor Albus Dumbledore, headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in Great Britain. Professor Dumbledore is known for defeating the dark wizard, Grindewald, finding twelve uses for dragon's blood, and working with Nicholas Flamel. Hello, Professor Dumbledore. How are you today?"

"I'm good," Dumbledore said, quickly. He left an awkward pause behind him. The reporter raised a brow, gave a nervous laugh, and continued.

"So, tell us, Professor Dumbledore, what is it like to be the Headmaster of Hogwarts?"

Dumbledore clasped his hands together. "It's _wonderful! _Just wonderful! I get to be around CHILDREN, talk to CHILDREN, and touch CHILDREN! It's sooooo _goood! MMMMMMMMM!" _He smiled. "And the staff! Oh, I almost forgot! They-are-WONDERFUL! And if Minnie is watching... I LOVE THE HELL OUTTA YOU!"

"I LOVE YOU TOO, AL-AL!" Minerva screamed at the top of her lungs.

And, my friends, as you can clearly see, in this story, Minerva McGonagall is a love sick bitch.

But anyway, let's continue.

"Aww, how... sweet," the reporter said. "So, speaking of the... staff... tell me a bit about the staff."

"Well, Snape is awesome as hell-"

"Excuse me Professor, but who is Snape?

"ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU DON'T KNOW SEVERUS? DO YOU FREAKIN' LIVE UNDER A ROCK OR SOMETHING, YOU BLONDE!" Dumbledore stood up. "HE'S, LIKE, THE HOTTEST SEXIEST PIECE OF CRAP IN THE WHOLE WORLD! HE'S GOT EVERYONE CHASING AFTER HIM! YOU ARE LIKE, THE WORST SUCKER WHO EVER LIVED!" Dumbledore sat down. "But yea, he teaches at Hogwarts. He teaches Potions. He makes kids cry. Like I do. But I do it differently, if you know what I mean... Eh, eh?"

Back in Britain, Severus as his face in his hands.

The reporter, who was still shocked at Dumbledore's past actions, managed to stutter, "I-I-I don't... actually-"

And, reader, in case you don't know what the hell he means...

Wow.

"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE THE LAMEST THING EVER TO WALK THE EARTH! AMERICANS SUCK! DO YOU HAVE ANY SENTIMENTAL FEELINGS?"

"That doesn't make much sense..."

"It does to me. Stop being so negative. You suck. Go on to the next question."

McGonagall's eyes sparkled with tears of joy.

"Um... all right. What's the curriculum at Hogwarts like?"

"What's curriculum?" Dumbledore asked. Patrick moment, oh crap. What an idiot.

Now it was the reporter's turn to scream. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THAT IS? YOU'RE LIKE THIS 160 YEAR OLD PROFESSOR AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! MY FOUR YEAR OLD SON KNOWS WHAT THAT IS!"

"THEN YOUR SON'S A NERD! I DOUBT HE DOES ANYWAY, BECAUSE YOU'RE A BLONDE! IF YOU FELL DOWN A CLIFF, YOU WOULD STOP TO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS! YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO THE HELL SEVERUS WAS! THAT IS PRETTY STUPID! AND YOU SHOULD FREAKIN' TELL ME WHAT THE HELL CURRICULUM IS BECAUSE I TOLD YOU WHO SEVERUS SNAPE IS! SO GIVE IT HERE OR, I SWEAR, I WILL GO APE ON YOU!"

The reporter gasped for breath and stared at the insane professor.

"Albus is _soooo _manly," Minerva gasped to herself. Severus stared at the TV in dismay.

"... It means the way you teach, if you want to be dummy proof," she huffed.

"Oh! I knew _that!" _Dumbledore snorted. "Well, you see, I don't teach. Like, at all. In fact, seriously, I don't do anything. I just sit at my desk all day and read knitting magazines. Then people come to me with problems and I solve them."

"How?"

"I keep an edition of _Teen Vogue _on my lap."

See, that's the way to become wise! _Teen Vogue! _I always knew Dumbledore had a way to solving teenagers problems. Because, friends, when he was a teenager, things were WAAAAYYYYY different. Like, seriously!

The reporter stared at him, shocked.

"But basically, no one bothers me. They think I have so much work to do up there. But I don't. And, bitch, I get paid good money for just sitting and petting my bird."

"Oh... um... lovely. So can you tell us about the Order of the Phoenix?"

Dumbledore stared at her as though she had just stripped herself and was running around her chair. "_What?"_

"You know, the group that fights Voldemort..."

"OH! That crappy group! That's just a group of wannabes who have nothing better to do. Besides, Voldie doesn't get to have all the fun the freakin' war now does he?"

Now it was her turn to stare.

Anyway, I'm seriously getting bored of this. It's like, two in the morning, and I have better things to do.

So, she stared and stared and stared and finally, the blonde bitch started talking again, "What do you think about Harry Potter?"

"I LOVE HARRY POTTER!"

"NO AL-AL, YOU LOVE ME! OH I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL HARRY, THE BASTARD!" MInerva screamed, standing on the couch and jumping up and down. It made her robes flap up a little too high and Severus fainted, now blind.

"He's SWEET, and GOOD, and KIND, and very, very, WISE!" Dumbledore droned.

McGonagall was now laying on the floor, kicking and pounding, sobbing at the top of her lungs.

Severus lay there like a slug.

"AND I LOVE HIM!" Dumbledore started panting. He realized that everyone in the newsroom was staring at him. "What? Next question, you're all pissing me off."

Quickly, the reporter said, "Tell us your opinion about the British Ministry of Magic."

DUmbledore stood on the couch and stuck his middle finger out to the camera. "THAT'S WHAT I THINK OF THEM! THEY CAN GO BUGGER OFF AND DIE! They try and put ME in Azkaban again, I swear to God, I will put them in my ASSkaban."

Horny, I know.

"That's the worst joke I ever heard," the reporter muttered.

"At least I have a f***ing sense of humor, you deranged bitch. Keep going, keep going." Dumbledore flopped back down on the couch and folded his hands.

"All right... honestly... anyway, tell us, how can we protect ourselves against Voldemort."

"Hide under the bed. Easy as that."

"Anything else..."

"Nope...STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!"

**(A FEW CURSE WORDS AND TANTRUMS LATER)**

"What are your views on love, Dumbledore?" said the reporter in a gurgling voice. Dumbledore had pulled out a pack of firewhiskey and now they were sorta... tipsy...

"Well... I'm digging Minnie right now... sexy kitty..."

Minerva stopped sobbing and started cackling at the top of her lungs.

Snape tried to commit suicide even though he was knocked out.

"And when I was younger I had this thing for some other guy... he's in... JAIL 'cause I kicked his sexy ass. No joke."

"Wait, so you like GUYS-"

"NOOOOOOO! EARTH TO BLONDE! I'M GAY! THANK YOU, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!"

Minerva broke into tears again, because if her Dumbles was gay, then he didn't like women. And as far as she knew, she was a woman.

Maybe she should go check... McGonagall ran to the bathroom.

"ARE YOU AGAINST GAY PEOPLE? THAT'S LIKE THE MOST MESSED UP THING EVER! IF YOU WERE GAY- WHICH I BET YOU ARE CUZ NO GUY WHO'S ALIVE WOULD LIKE YOU- I WOULDN'T MAKE FUN OF YOU!"

"I'm not gay! I have a husband!" said the blonde who is against gay people and psychotic, old coots (and Dumbledore is totally both).

"WHAT DID YOU TO HIM? HE MUST HAVE PROBLEMS!"

"I didn't-"

"NO, YOU SHUT UP! KEEP INTERVIEWING ME, I HAVE SO MANY BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN FIGHT OVER YOU AND YOUR BRAIN DEAD HUSBAND, OK? YOU HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS, YOU NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR... FAST!"

Like you don't, Dumbledore.

Oh yeah, McGonagall came back from the bathroom, upset because she figured out she was female.

"FINE!" The reporter screamed. "I CAN'T FREAKING WAIT UNTIL HE GETS OUT OF HERE! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, HE MUST BE ON POT-"

"It's crack."

"WHATEVER! OKAY, SO WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO IN THE FUTURE?"

"DIE! OKAY, GOOD, DONE, I'M OUT OF HERE! THIS BITCH IS MAKING ME FEEL F***ING SICK!" And Dumbledore left.

**(A FEW HOURS LATER)**

Dumbledore walked into the staff room to see Minerva and Severus staring at a black TV. "Hello, you two!" he said cheerfully. "Are you sure you're quite all right? You ought to go see Madame Pomfrey..."

**THE END (THANK GOD!)**

**I have nothing against gay people. I have something against people who are against gay people. And yeah, I don't have much against blondes either. Ha ha... this was wack! **


End file.
